Twilight!

Time gone by...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:04:50 +0100

It’s the start of November and I’m still somewhere here...

Well... as you may figure, I have neglected my blog yet again... I have had so many moments during the past months where I think: „Oh, I want to write about this in my blog.“ For some reasons though I didn't do so. Hmm... I think I still want to write about some of them (as much as I can remember), so I could reach the present time here too. Shortly, but with the main points that made me want to write about them.

Well... first of all there was a song festival here in Estonia, where 100 000 singers came together (most of them were of course from Estonia, but there where foreign estonians from all over the world, like Canada and Australia, and people from other countries too: like USA, Lithuania, etc.). The first days concert was good, but the parade before that was exhilarating... You should have seen that – the crowd cheering for the singers and dancers moving towards the Tallinn Song Festival Grounds, the flags all over the place and people singing and just being happy for the celebrations.

Though the first concert wasn’t such a great one, the one on the second day was absolutely great (though I would have liked to hear some songs that weren’t in the programme too). It was great to listen the songs and sing with the ones I knew before (although it wasn’t as great as singing with the choirs under the arch, where I was 5 years ago), be a part of the waves, that started under the arch with singers and ended in the end of the rows of people, and be inside the sea of blue-black-white flags, that surrounded us. The mood of the song festival stayed for days and thinking about it made me always have a smile on my face. J

Then there was the confusion with the specialty what to study in university... Everyone always asked where and what I would study and when I told them I had faculty of Mathematics and Computer Sciences in mind (that I thought about earlier already) and gave opinions what specialty I should pick and what to avoid... It got to me in time and made me think: „Give me a break and let me choose by myself.“ Though I must say some of the things they said were quite useful. I needed a long time before I gave my vote to informatics (or was it called computer science)... Well it gained some more votes and won... so something was for once decided and I had peace in mind at last...

After the decision for university was made there came other things to worry about... Like where will I live (my home is near Tallinn, the capital city of Estonia, but univerity is in Tartu... what a surprise that its name is the University of Tartu )... I decided I would rent a place with my classmate from highschool and so it went... At first there was a huge mess because of it: she didn’t like one thing about the place I liked and I didn’t like some things about the place she liked. Later she convinced me to live in a terraced house with herself, her brother and two of her brothers friends... Well now I live there and the life seems quite ok... we get along though we don’t talk much (at least not with those two friends). I’ll see how it works out... Hope it will go well.

So what else... Oh, yeah... I moved to Tartu. (Certainly there where more things I wanted to write about, but now I just don’t remember them well enough ) So here I came on September 25... I was the only one in the house where the electricty was in only few rooms (not mine, we had some problems with it). It was quite unnerving I must say... especially at night, when I went to bed and heared every little squek in the house and the sound of someone running around (later I found out our neighbours have kids ) . Then, on the next day, came the brother who after some time (on 27th) fixed the problem with electricity somehow (Yay! ). Few days later came his sister and then my father and a day later my mother. Oh, the drama... We changed the wallpaper in my room and dad thought it would go quickly - one day and ready. Well as you may quess it didn't go as planned: we needed to take the old one down, go buy some more glue, etc., mom had to bring more wallpaper (not enough before)... for all that my dad got wind up, mom was upset because of him and I was angry at him for it (and for all the things I had found out about him during the summer) and sad as well... but well we got past it and I love how my room looks like now.

Next week my first semester as a first-year university student started. At first we (me and my highschool classmate) were on really high heals (I'm not used to them... I prefer sneakers and such ) but since we got really tired of them, we took them off and walked around barefooted... it felt so good after those heals. During the first few weeks I made some friends and acquaintances... we had some get-togethers to get acquainted with others from our course and other fun activities, like orienteering with tasks in the points, get-togethers with foreign students, with whom we played some national dance games and just had a good time.

Even though I really like it here, there are times when I feel lonely in the midst of others... For instance we had some guests (mostly from our highschool bridge club, where I used to be for some time too) here to play board games. I played a little with them, but I couldn't... I don't know, connect? with them well and I just felt so lonely, so after the game, when everyone just drifted away from the table, I went to my room hoping I would be better there... it was a bit at first but hearing them laugh and have fun even to my room I felt lonely and miserable once again (why were they having so much fun now, but when I was there it had been so quiet...). Well anyway it's how I am.

Padau... I think I'll continue later, I'm almost at the present now

Anyway wish me luck with my studies...

Yume

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Unclear future & unsettling past

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:31:22 +0200

Time has passed once again... and summer is here. Beautiful scenery, hot sun shining intensely, light breeze blowing and warm water calling you in. You can´t escape the clutches of summer. It´s a enjoyable time which connects the ending of something to the start of something new... to the new adventure.

Well... this summer represents to me the connection of high school to university... it´s finally time to take the big step forward... a step towards independent life of adults (which I can say I am not... at least not mentally: I am stuck in between... some of me has grown, some points in life have changed, but I can feel that I´m still just a kid, who can´t do anything by herself).

Deciding what to do in the future, what to study is quite difficult for me... as always I blame myself being gemini sign: there´s "two of me" so I can´t decide - both want different things, etc. So now I´m taking my time and hoping that I can choose what specialty is best for me, what I like.

Another thing that depresses me a bit is that I have to move to another city in fall, because the university is there, but it´s about 200km away from home... it seems so far... all my good friends, family, cat, knowledge of town will stay behind and only memories and pictures to remind them come with me. I hope I can adabt well and won´t be very homesick, when I arrive there. (Maybe I should take my cat with me... just kidding.)

Oh well... wish me luck with all that.

Even though this time of year is very warm and welcoming, bringing nice atmosphere, there are still cold and stormy times that make you wish you could be anywhere else but here.

Well... for as long as I can remember my parents have lived apart... for me as a child it became natural, that father came to visit occasionally, but I have always thought for some reason, that we all lived together, until I was three years old, but that´s not how it was... that´s not how it was at all...

While I was cleaning up our living room cupboard, I found my mothers old diaries (some notebooks and planners where she used to write)... She loved my father very much, but their marriage was rocky already after a year or so... he didn´t believe her, accused her of cheating and later started to cheat on her instead (btw... later he started to live with the one he cheated with, and we got along quite well, but still... It must have been so painful for mom). Some of those diaries where quite depressing to be honest (except for the part where they just met and mostly the time before marriage)... he lied, cheated, berated her, etc. and she cried, thought what she did wrong (it wasn´t her fault) and many times thought even of suicide. Even though there were happy times too, it´s still depressing to read it, seeing it lasted for years (5 years... if not longer) and seeing what my father did to my mother... it just makes me depressed knowing, what my dear mother, who really is the best in the whole world, had to go through alone (she didn´t confide in anyone).

Years have passed and now everything is different... father lives alone in the city (I think he has changed, compared to the him in her writings) and the three of us live near the same city, only few hundred metres outside it. We´re happy too I guess and fortunately my mom has found someone who really loves and cherishes her and whom she loves and cherishes in return.

I just had to get it off my chest... it´s nice to know that I can come here and write whenever and whatever I want and/or need. It really is a great place that I can believe in, even though I don´t frequent it often.

At least I´d like to think so.

Hope the summer will be fun and full of warmness...

Yume

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Winter has arrived once again...

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 22:00:23 +0100

Well... Few years ago I started liking photographing... I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm scared of or rather don't like others photographing me (this is the result of me seeing some pictures of myself, that made me overly self-conscious and distressed; also I'm not photogenic), so instead of being photographed, I photograph... Well anyway most of the pictures are about different things I find around at my home, my cat and nature (well mostly the view I see from windows...I don't go out that much). Some days ago it started snowing already and since last night it's been like a little snowstorm here and it hasn't stopped yet... So everything is covered with beautiful virgin snow, that seems like a huge white fluffy blanket. I wish it would be tomorrow already, with daylight lightening that miraculous view of that small winter wonderland, so that I could perpetuate that beautiful sight, that I hope I can see soon.

These are some pictures I took... First 3 are from yesterday, before the storm begun... The one besides them, is photographed during the snowstorm... The ones after that are from 2 weeks ago...

I hope I can take a lot of pictures during this winter too and I also hope that these pictures aren't beautiful only for me, but that other people like and appreciate them too...

Yume

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While I wasn't paying attention, school had already begun...

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 20:27:50 +0100

So much has happened while I haven't been here that I don't know what to write here...

Hmm... There has been so much... Well anyway, in short:

Summer passed by amazingly fast with some memorable moments, like going to London... now I wish I could go back there again...

Then school started for the last time (I'm in 12th grade now ;)) and I got to bring a sweet little 1st grade girl to school. Few months after school started we had a freshman week for 10th graders - we let them do all sorts of different tasks, let them compeat with each other and in the end of the week we officially (I don't know if it's said so but, oh well) babtised them as 10th graders. Some time after that we obtained our school badges and had a party after that (I suppose you can call it a dance party, although official name was "Badge party"). Few weeks after that we had a trip to one university in another city, since we need to choose our future paths soon.

So that's it... Everything else that has happened is just usual school life, that has been around me for almost 12 years now.

Yume

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Summer is passing and songs are in my head...

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 19:29:07 +0200

As I thought my visits here are becoming less and less freguent. There is always so much to do or nothing to do at all. And when there's nothing to do, I won't remember that I should write here or if I emember then I'm scared to write here. I know I have written here before already, but I'm still not used to talk...I mean write about myself. I can write here because I know that there is a low possibility that someone I know will read all of this or if will read don't know that it's me. I hope it stays like this...

Oh, I remembered....last year, when I was coming back from work, I thaught of a little rhime (actually it's more like a mini-song...not so good too):

     I wish I could fly across the sky,
                          and feel the world as bird.
     I wish I could have a different view,
                          and see the world anew.
     A-haha-ha-haha...the su-un.
     A-haha-ha-haha...the wind.
   A-haha-ha-haha...the sensation of flying high in the sky,
     is making me feel good and believe in this world.

And sometime later I thought up something similar to the first one:

     I wish I could fly, like a bird in the sky.
    I wish I could fly, like a bird in high sky.
   Where the wind and the clouds will show me the way.
   The way to where - that I don't know.

So here they are. I hope they are not too bad to put them up here.

Anyway...that's it for today.

Yume

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Grown up....?

Fri, 30 May 2008 23:08:55 +0200

On 29th May was my birthday....I'm finally 18. Although I don't think it has changed anything, I feel and act just the same as always. Every year I feel a bit tired when I'm celebrating my birthday, this year too...All who come to my birthday are mostly relatives, with whom I don't have anything to talk about and lonelyness comes to my mind. During the party I always slowely move to my room where I'll be by myself and think about various pointless things. Oh well....I'm just tired of being here.

Even though I feel mostly like that, this year my birthday wasn't that bad. I got together with few friends hours before party with relatives and we had some fun in the city. But, oh well, everything good ends after some time.

Yume

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Not again...

Mon, 26 May 2008 18:09:39 +0200

Well I did it again...Haven't been here for a month already. I'm always thinking that I'll go tomorrow, but the next day it's the same. Hope I can be more active now, because during this month there has been many things that I would have wanted to write here, but now they have sliped away from my mind. I think there will be many things in the near future that I wish to write here, so I hope I'll remember that there's such a wonderful place for me to go, where I can be myself.

Yume

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Never-ending thought...

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 20:16:29 +0200

It's been over a month since I last wrote. Can't believe I did it again... I have tryed to keep a diary or just write down my thoughts in which I would write every day. But that failed and seems like I repeated it in the Internet. I really wish that I could remember to write here if not every day then at least once a week or any time I feel like I would like to write my emotions or actions down. Hope I can do it.

I really love nature, especially sky. In daylight it's light-blue, with white clouds and bright sun. At night it's dark-blue or black, with shining moon and filled with stars as far as you can see. Day and night... it's just beautiful. Especially beautyful is it during the twilight, when a lot of different colors fill the sky and make you feel so special and emotional. At least that's what I think...

Yume

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Stupid sibling...

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 16:14:56 +0100

Well I have a three years older brother at home, and the relationship between us is just intolerable. I try to be nice towards him, but he always snaps back. One time he was butting some wires under my door and I asked if I was able to close my door after that, he snapped at me and told me not to ask such stupid questions.....He's always teased me and he's nice towards me only if it benefits him, I just can't stand him anymore. I wish that he'd move out soon.

My aunt has two kids too. A son, who's the same age as my brother and older daughter. Their relationship is always so good. They do things togeather, have same interests, etc. My grandmother always says that, she can't understand how they have such good relationship and my brother and I have such bad relationship. This irritates me too. Why do all of them have to compare us. We are not the same and never will be, that's for sure.

Yume

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Time flies...

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 00:11:29 +0100

I know that time is always passing us and it can't be stopped, but sometimes I feel that the flow is too fast and I want to get off that flow. But that's impossible. Time doesn't wait nor listen anyone. Some days just go past so quickly that I start to think that a week isn't such a long time, oh soon is somebodys birthday again, then it's already spring break, after that exams, then summer break and soon back to school. It's killing my nerves and making me restless to realize that all is happening so quickly and I can't do nothing about it.

Yume

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Strange dream...

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:31:17 +0100

Well, I am sick now and have to sit home. I haven't had a dream for a long time and after I see one I wake up calmly every time but today was different. I saw a dream. I think it had two parts, but I remember almost nothing about the first part, except that there were trains, a pregnant woman, something evil and most of the time we were in trains going somewhere. I remember the second part better, but not all of it.

There was somebody beside me all the time, but I don't know who. I never saw him, but I felt that he was there. We were walking near my home on a small hill and some trucks where there, taking something and leaving. There was a lot of people there, but I don't know who. Suddenly my grandfather came to me and told that he was leaving for a while, then sat in a car and drove away. I saw somewhere my mother and grandmother and then we were moving again, down the hill. On the road I met with my classmate. We walked with her to a big tree, which had a door-like thing and somethig in there. She told us that she was living there, because her friend went to USA and left her behind. Then all three of us were moving again. Suddenly it was night and we were going towards my house (I live in an apartmant building) and we passed the street door, when we felt or heard (I couldn't understand that) something on the hill next to my house. We moved towards the street door and saw a lion on the hill looking towards us. We ran through the street door (made from wood and class) into the corridor and lion was behind the door. Other two ran already upstairs behind my apartment door but I was locking the street door. When I was done I ran upstairs too but I felt something looking at me from not far away. I was trying to unlock my door (I knew that behind it we would be safe) but I felt that something was silently coming towards me. Then I woke up silently and calmly, but at the same time I was scared and shivering a bit.

It's never happend to me before, so I thought I'd write it up, before I forget. I have had dreams about animals being all around my house before (when I was about 4 years old), but this was something different. It felt so real. Oh well, I hope I won't see a continuation for it.

Yume

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Wish to help...

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:36:15 +0100

Today I got home early from school, because I felt sick. After being home for 1 hour I didn't have anything to do and I didn't want to do anything I usually do. Then I suddenly just wanted to help someone to do anything and I started doing some changes in the internet pages like wikipedia, to be of some help to others who need information in Estonian. Hope it was somewhat helpful.

Yume

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In thoughts...

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:40:31 +0100

I find myself thinking alot lately. Most of the time it is just something that pops into my head, but I just can't stop my thoughts. Thinking too much is starting to ruin my life and I don't know how to be myself anymore.

About three years ago I changed schools. That's where it all begun. I just let someone take a stupid picture of me and my few friends. That someone made the shot too early...we weren't ready yet, but that picture put thoughts in my head. I hadn't seen my side-profile before on a photo so I hadn't realised how much I hate it and how much (I thought) others might dislike it. That stupid photo made me so self-conscious that every time I heard someone laughing, I thought they were laughing over me, every time someone whispered, it was something bad about my looks. Because of that I don't like big crowds and gossiping. Although it has gotten better over the years, my head is still so messed up because of this.... I want to stop thinking!

Yume

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